I met my ex husband three months before my twenty-first birthday. Venus and Saturn were opposing Mars and Pluto. There had never been better chemistry in the sky. These planets of structured love and intense, animalistic attraction were activating his fifth house of true love. For me, this opposition was revolving around my ruling planet and activating my ninth house of marriage. These aspects didn’t give us a choice. We were destined. It was as if he and I had stepped out of our bodies, leaving space for the souls of the lovers to come through and control our flesh. We lost ourselves in each other. We became addicted to the sight of our young, naked bodies pressed against each other. Our souls felt at home in the comfort of our twisted skins. We were immediately inseparable. I saw beauty in myself when I was with him. His dark blue eyes and sculpted body that had been recently discharged from the Marine Corps, gave me those belly deep butterflies…the ones that felt like heroine to me. Three months after my twenty-first birthday, those butterflies had turned into a baby.
Our story is not surprising, being that he and I both have twelfth-house suns that square each other. The relationship literally felt like a dream, like Neptune himself had cradled us in his arms. We were both wildly romantic. He was very open about it. I was not. That was a troublesome combination. Our moons were conjunct each other’s Pluto, so we were magnets drawn into each other. He was my first real love. I had thought I was in love before, but that romance paled in comparison to this one. This time around, the love I felt was real.
At the time, I was going to school for massage therapy. I was also taking classes at the Academy of Astrology in Lansing. I had a sweet full time gig, working at a furniture factory. I got laid-off every summer, and was able to collect unemployment while I got high all day and laid around, sunning my naked body on my parent’s deck. I had the house to myself all summer and my parents lived in the middle of forty acres on thick Michigan forest land. They had a second story porch over looking a pond surrounded by tall pine trees and scenery that Bob Ross couldn’t even imagine. It was beautiful out there. The feeling of getting baked and walking around the property completely nude was my idea of heaven. My natal mars is in Scorpio, so I am prone to fetishes like nudity in nature and other strange things. That phase in my life was a very sweet time. I was blessed with solitude and allowed to be completely myself. It was the first time in my life that I had any concept of my own identity. I was genuinely content with life and with myself. I had an abundance of friends. My parents had backed off after struggling to control me (as their way to protect me) all of my life. They were starting to grant me the permission I craved to be more independent. I had never really dealt with authority well and really seemed to thrive on the new freedom. I was actively working towards my goal to become a massage therapist aboard a cruise ship out on the Caribbean somewhere. And that was the plan. That’s how I was going to do life. I had it all figured out.
Tim had a job pouring concrete basements for all the new houses popping up in our booming economy. On rainy days, he would get called off work. He would always come over on those days and steal roses for me from the flower shop dumpster next to the new apartment that I had just moved into. He would sneak into my room and slide into the covers of my crappy old futon. We would make love all day long while the rain fell against my tiny bedroom window. It was good love too. His planets aligned quite nicely with mine, though I didn’t know it at the time. All I knew back then was that I loved him. My life was consumed by him. My whole world revolved around him and changed because of him. I had just entered my first karmic relationship as a blossoming, young empath. This is what Astrologers mean when they use the word ‘soulmate.’ It has nothing to do with a life-long commitment. It has everything to do with delivering a lesson to your soul. Tim’s sun was conjunct my North Node, so he was a key player in my life to move me into the direction of my destiny. And he did. He became the father of my children and my husband for seven tumultuous years. He was never meant to be my life long partner. He was however, meant to be one of my most cherished friendships.
September 11th happened just weeks into our relationship. The economy came crashing down. Tim lost his job. I lost my job. We had a lot of sex. Like an insane amount of sex. He was like a machine and I was a perverted girl who enjoyed it. By January of 2002, I had found out that I was pregnant. Surprise! That was one of those days, like the tower card in the tarot. Life as I knew it came crashing down like the actual towers on that fateful day. In just one moment, two pink lines filled in on a stick, and the caterpillar that I used to be, was gone. I had encountered a transformation of my identity and my perspective on life. The path ahead had shifted into a sharp and unexpected detour.
I went from being a care-free, unemployed stoner in love, to being a full blown panic stricken mom-to-be. This was how our Neptunian love story played out when the dreamy fog had faded and reality rolled in. That’s the thing about Neptune. You never see him coming. But you certainly take notice when he leaves. Neptune is famous for leaving dizzy lovers in the wake of his confusion.
I had changed right before the eyes of everyone I knew. Tim, who had once seen me as the love of his life, now saw me as a scandalous female, who got pregnant as an attempt to keep him forever. He didn’t trust me and I didn’t see that until it was too late.
My dad, who once saw me as the apple of his eye now saw me as a complete failure. He was heartbroken, I think. He had become a father at sixteen. His first marriage was a complete disaster. He had always wanted better for me and I had let him down.
My mother, who always saw me as an extension of herself, now saw me as a complete abomination. I had brought shame to our family, and to her ego. She made that very clear to me and it was one of the most painful moments of my life.
I had always seen myself as a good girl with big dreams, just waiting to convert those dreams into achievements in my life ahead. But everyone else’s perspective had fallen over my own eyes and I began to see myself in the same way that they did… A failure. A scandalous, shameful failure. This was the greatest tragedy of my life, the act of abandoning my self worth for the opinions of others.
On the day that I had found out that I was going to be a mother, the sun was squaring my natal sun, Ascendant, and Pluto, from my fourth house of family, home, and motherhood.
That day changed my life, it changed me. That day was the first couple of steps down a path that lead me to the person I am now. I’ve had the adventure of a lifetime. But I lost myself along the way, as many young mothers do. I lost all of the love that I had for myself and it took a lot of rebuilding to get that back. This is my Chiron story, my legacy in this lifetime.
Today, as I begin to write about my life story through the eyes of astrology, Pluto is inching up to that exact same degree, where he will also square my Natal Pluto, sun, and ascendant.
This is a heavy time of deep transformation related to my home and family. Because of the fact that Pluto is so close to my Sun and Ascendant, my entire life has been a series of transformations. No matter what I have done to find stability, my identity has always been re-built on shaky ground.
It’s like we’re all given a blank canvas at birth, and a lifetime to color it in. But every few years, Pluto dumps a bucket of paint thinner on my canvas and I have to start my painting from scratch. It can be devastating to watch the life that I had created, slip away into oblivion. But I’ve also gotten accustomed to the gift of being able to recreate my painting with new shades of yellow and rouge. And I am blessed with the ability, every so often, to paint something new.
My unexpected pregnancy was transformation number two. The first was a near death experience at age fourteen. Number three was the divorce. Number four was the failed relationship after my divorce. This one that I am currently forging through, however, has me feeling like a Phoenix on steroids. This one is the most intense so far. I am knee deep in transformation number five. I can smell the paint thinner coming, but it hasn’t yet touched my canvas.
It can be scary sometimes, not recognizing yourself from the person you were last year, last week, or even yesterday. But astrology has helped me to prepare for these metamorphoses. And as I diligently prepare for whatever Pluto has in store for me, I smile knowing that my life has been very difficult, but it has also been magnificent. And I probably would have died from the boredom, had I not been blessed with the gift of regeneration.