“What is normal to the spider is chaos to the fly.” ~Morticia Adams
I went to see that ambiguous man again last night. I had allowed him to read my last post, which was obviously about him. And then I was invited back to gather some more writing material. I was not disappointed.
It’s a little unnerving, how good the sex is, especially considering that he has Mars in Gemini. I’ve intentionally avoided this placement before. I’ve always advised women to avoid this placement of Mars.
What I’m learning now, is that Mars in Gemini is so much more than a need for detachment and variety. This energy is all about logistics. This guy knows how to fuck. He’s got it down to a science, making good use of angles and tension. He has mastered that delicate blend of dominance with respect. He is the only man that I’ve ever been with, who makes condom sex feel amazing. And because he’s careful, I really don’t care about his need for variety and detachment. My philosophy on life is to do what feels good. Right now, that’s him.
He has my mostly undivided attention. I have his slightly more divided attention. He called me today, seemingly concerned about this imbalance in our situation. He is not capable of monogamy, and he has hurt people because of that. There was a sense of fear in his voice, because he knows that he will eventually hurt me. I think he underestimates the level of armor that I have wrapped around my heart.
I don’t worry about the future or dwell in the past. All I know is that right now, his value as a person exceeds his value as a prospect. He does not waste my time. So far, he’s made very good use of it.
Last night, as I was leaving his apartment after an impromptu dick appointment, he pulled me against the wall by my hair. He leaned his naked body up against me, and kissed me like he was going off to war or some shit and my mind fell into a million tiny pieces. Every girl should be getting kissed like that. Knowing him, every girl probably is.
I grew up with extreme parents. They tried, with everything they had, to keep me on a short leash. I have never been one to submit to authority.
I have tried. I was extremely devoted in my marriage. I tried my best to be domesticated, but there’s a monster inside of me that freaks the fuck out when my life falls into the mundane. I crave excitement. I have to push boundaries. I get restless for adventure. I need to break rules.
This is precisely why I have always had commitment issues. I’ve tried to settle down with the good guys, I’ve tried to stick with the straight and narrow. But after so long, my inner monster wants to get out and mingle with the dark side.
I spent last weekend with the drug dealer from my previous post. He isn’t a bad guy, in fact he is very sweet and has kind of a nerdy side. He tells me stories of a domesticated past that once held him captive. But to my family, he is forbidden because of his race. And his phone was ringing constantly with disappointed customers looking for a fix while he was out of town visiting me.
This is not a guy who I should be sharing my time with. But my inner monster is completely enthralled with the rebellion of sleeping with a guy who doesn’t fit into my world at all.
My good side, the part of me that always sees the best in people, had a good time too. I enjoyed the excitement on his face, as we drove past a deer grazing on the riverside with the sunset falling behind us. He was like a little kid watching the storms roll in on the wide open farm fields. His eyes lit up with every stroke of lightning that blasted across the black sky. And the sex was just as amazing as the last time.
Is it really better to settle down with weekend shopping trips to Home Depot and arguing about the household chores? Is this truly how we should be spending the little time we have here…chaining ourselves to the picket fence and a golden retriever? That’s the American dream, not mine. I’m quite content to immerse myself into wild little flings with men who understand my monsters, because they have them too. And now that he’s gone back to the city, I can handle the monotony of my 9 to 5 and running the kids around to dentist appointments and cheerleading tryouts. I am in love with the contrast of my life.