When I met my ex husband, I was going to school for massage therapy and astrology. Both of those dreams fell to the wayside as I gave myself up to be a wife and mother. Over the course of my marriage, I lost myself, as many young mothers do. Women have an instinct to nurture, but sadly it is rare that we nurture ourselves.
That time in between announcing the divorce and actually moving out of the house, was one of the most stressful times of my life. That simultaneous push and pull, I could physically feel my heart breaking, my family being ripped apart. It had to happen. We were only ever together because of the baby. She was eight when I left. I had just broken her heart and her home. Her sister was too young to remember.
I was terrified. I had no idea who I was or where I was going. I had never been on my own before. I wanted to stay. I loved my family. But there was a voice in my head, whispering at first, and then screaming later on, that I needed to go. I was pushed out of my marriage from the inside. And for the very first time, I chose to listen to that voice. I now realize that voice belonged to my intuition. She makes all of my decisions now.
On my first weekend away from my daughters, after moving out, I went to a concert in a town about forty minutes north. A band was playing that I had never heard of, but I thought it would be good to meet up with old friends. That night was electric. I danced like a wild woman. I screamed ‘Rage Against The Machine’ songs out to an amazing cover band. I had my picture taken with sexy rock stars. I got drunk and lost my shoes.
A rainbow shot over the stage and I realized that I hadn’t felt like myself in so God damned long. That night, I captured a piece of the girl that I used to be, before I became a mom and a wife. I remember staring at the moon that night. It was shining bright in the sky, peppered with grey clouds. How significant that moment came to be. Looking back, I get chills at how beautifully orchestrated my life has been. The moon, that stage. Those two things would go on to change me in ways I never could have imagined.
It’s been seven years since I got divorced. What an amazing adventure it has been, learning to choose myself over and over again. I’ve learned the hard way, to honor myself. I now know that learning the hard way is the very best way to learn…because when it finally sinks in, you get it for life.
I honor myself now, above all else. And more importantly, I honor the experience of being myself. I honor my life. I honor my heart. And I honor my intuition. I’ve baptized myself in love so thick, that no one can hurt me now. And because of that, my life has taken me into a direction that has exceeded my wildest expectations.
My story has come full circle in so many ways. My life is proof of manifestation. The moon. The stage. The stars. The place that I now call home. My dreams are coming true. Even the big ones. I am now working as a massage therapist and professional astrologer. I’ve already accomplished what I once thought was impossible. And I am literally just getting started.
The most amazing thing that I’ve learned so far, is that it all comes down to realizing just how fucking powerful we truly are. I had the power inside of myself, all along. We all do.
If I could change just one thing about the world, it would be the way we see energy. We all have energy, we were born with it. It’s our connection to something bigger than ourselves. It’s more precious than gold. And once I learned this, I became very mindful of my own energy. I stopped giving it away.
I learned to correct my thoughts, as they would often wonder off into someone else’s thoughts. As an empath, my energy had mostly been spent on everyone except myself.
I learned to take all of the energy that I had focused on men, on friends, on chasing the many carrots that have been dangling just out of my reach for years and years. I started to focus that energy on my own happiness.
I didn’t cut people out of my life. I cut out the attention that I paid to them. I focused that attention on myself. It felt selfish, but it’s really not. It felt painful, but it was the healthiest thing I’ve ever done for myself.
I started to dig down deep, inside all of the layers of other people’s opinions. And I shed those opinions, like a dead old skin. The weight of anything out of my control had fallen off of my shoulders. I dug a little deeper into my own opinions, and I wrapped them in love.
Today, I am at one with the moon. She is my light in the darkness. She is love, and she lead me to my tribe. She lead me to myself. She is constant in her revolving cycles. I am too.
Today, I am helping to plan a Music festival that will take place on the very same stage that I visited all those years ago. A stage that is nestled in a beautiful little town, where I have found a new life, that fills me to the brim with hope and inspiration. Seven years ago, I would have never believed in this reality that I have created around myself. Today, I am proud of the life that I am living. I am proud of who I am.
And it has all been possible, because I listened to my heart. Even when I didn’t really trust myself, I listened to my intuition. Even when all the people around me stared in disappointment, I followed my guts. I am guided, not by my family, or my friends, or my boss, or society. I am guided by something bigger than myself. And that is the only thing I believe in. That is the only thing worth believing in.
I used to waste a lot of time worrying. I worried about the future. I worried about the past. Now I sit with contentment and I receive blessings as they flow into my life. I don’t hold onto them. You won’t find me clenching onto my dreams. I simply thank them for showing up, and I enjoy them while they’re with me.
I honor my life.