Transformation #5

I met my ex husband three months before my twenty-first birthday. Venus and Saturn were opposing Mars and Pluto. There had never been better chemistry in the sky. These planets of structured love and intense, animalistic attraction were activating his fifth house of true love. For me, this opposition was revolving around my ruling planet and activating my ninth house of marriage. These aspects didn’t give us a choice. We were destined. It was as if he and I had stepped out of our bodies, leaving space for the souls of the lovers to come through and control our flesh. We lost ourselves in each other. We became addicted to the sight of our young, naked bodies pressed against each other. Our souls felt at home in the comfort of our twisted skins.  We were immediately inseparable. I saw beauty in myself when I was with him. His dark blue eyes and sculpted body that had been recently discharged from the Marine Corps, gave me those belly deep butterflies…the ones that felt like heroine to me. Three months after my twenty-first birthday, those butterflies had turned into a baby.  

Our story is not surprising, being that he and I both have twelfth-house suns that square each other. The relationship literally felt like a dream, like Neptune himself had cradled us in his arms. We were both wildly romantic. He was very open about it. I was not. That was a troublesome combination. Our moons were conjunct each other’s Pluto, so we were magnets drawn into each other. He was my first real love. I had thought I was in love before, but that romance paled in comparison to this one. This time around, the love I felt was real.  

At the time, I was going to school for massage therapy. I was also taking classes at the Academy of Astrology in Lansing. I had a sweet full time gig, working at a furniture factory. I got laid-off every summer, and was able to collect unemployment while I got high all day and laid around, sunning my naked body on my parent’s deck. I had the house to myself all summer and my parents lived in the middle of forty acres on thick Michigan forest land. They had a second story porch over looking a pond surrounded by tall pine trees and scenery that Bob Ross couldn’t even imagine. It was beautiful out there. The feeling of getting baked and walking around the property completely nude was my idea of heaven. My natal mars is in Scorpio, so I am prone to fetishes like nudity in nature and other strange things. That phase in my life was a very sweet time. I was blessed with solitude and allowed to be completely myself. It was the first time in my life that I had any concept of my own identity. I was genuinely content with life and with myself. I had an abundance of friends. My parents had backed off after struggling to control me (as their way to protect me) all of my life.  They were starting to grant me the permission I craved to be more independent.  I had never really dealt with authority well and really seemed to thrive on the new freedom. I was actively working towards my goal to become a massage therapist aboard a cruise ship out on the Caribbean somewhere. And that was the plan.  That’s how I was going to do life. I had it all figured out.

Tim had a job pouring concrete basements for all the new houses popping up in our booming economy. On rainy days, he would get called off work. He would always come over on those days and steal roses for me from the flower shop dumpster next to the new apartment that I had just moved into. He would sneak into my room and slide into the covers of my crappy old futon. We would make love all day long while the rain fell against my tiny bedroom window. It was good love too. His planets aligned quite nicely with mine, though I didn’t know it at the time. All I knew back then was that I loved him. My life was consumed by him. My whole world revolved around him and changed because of him. I had just entered my first karmic relationship as a blossoming, young empath.  This is what Astrologers mean when they use the word ‘soulmate.’  It has nothing to do with a life-long commitment.  It has everything to do with delivering a lesson to your soul.  Tim’s sun was conjunct my North Node, so he was a key player in my life to move me into the direction of my destiny.  And he did.  He became the father of my children and my husband for seven tumultuous years.  He was never meant to be my life long partner.  He was however,  meant to be one of my most cherished friendships.

September 11th happened just weeks into our relationship. The economy came crashing down. Tim lost his job. I lost my job. We had a lot of sex.  Like an insane amount of sex.  He was like a machine and I was a perverted girl who enjoyed it.  By January of 2002, I had found out that I was pregnant. Surprise!  That was one of those days, like the tower card in the tarot. Life as I knew it came crashing down like the actual towers on that fateful day. In just one moment, two pink lines filled in on a stick, and the caterpillar that I used to be, was gone.  I had encountered a transformation of my identity and my perspective on life.  The path ahead had shifted into a sharp and unexpected detour.

I went from being a care-free, unemployed stoner in love, to being a full blown panic stricken mom-to-be. This was how our Neptunian love story played out when the dreamy fog had faded and reality rolled in.  That’s the thing about Neptune.  You never see him coming.  But you certainly take notice when he leaves.  Neptune is famous for leaving dizzy lovers in the wake of his confusion.

I had changed right before the eyes of everyone I knew. Tim, who had once seen me as the love of his life, now saw me as a scandalous female, who got pregnant as an attempt to keep him forever. He didn’t trust me and I didn’t see that until it was too late.  

My dad, who once saw me as the apple of his eye now saw me as a complete failure. He was heartbroken, I think. He had become a father at sixteen. His first marriage was a complete disaster. He had always wanted better for me and I had let him down.  

My mother, who always saw me as an extension of herself, now saw me as a complete abomination. I had brought shame to our family, and to her ego. She made that very clear to me and it was one of the most painful moments of my life.  

I had always seen myself as a good girl with big dreams, just waiting to convert those dreams into achievements in my life ahead. But everyone else’s perspective had fallen over my own eyes and I began to see myself in the same way that they did… A failure. A scandalous, shameful failure.  This was the greatest tragedy of my life, the act of abandoning my self worth for the opinions of others. 

On the day that I had found out that I was going to be a mother, the sun was squaring my natal sun, Ascendant, and Pluto, from my fourth house of family, home, and motherhood. 

 That day changed my life, it changed me. That day was the first couple of steps down a path that lead me to the person I am now.  I’ve had the adventure of a lifetime. But I lost myself along the way, as many young mothers do. I lost all of the love that I had for myself and it took a lot of rebuilding to get that back.  This is my Chiron story, my legacy in this lifetime.

Today, as I begin to write about my life story through the eyes of astrology, Pluto is inching up to that exact same degree, where he will also square my Natal Pluto, sun, and ascendant.

This is a heavy time of deep transformation related to my home and family. Because of the fact that Pluto is so close to my Sun and Ascendant, my entire life has been a series of transformations.  No matter what I have done to find stability, my identity has always been re-built on shaky ground.  

It’s like we’re all given a blank canvas at birth, and a lifetime to color it in. But every few years, Pluto dumps a bucket of paint thinner on my canvas and I have to start my painting from scratch. It can be devastating to watch the life that I had created, slip away into oblivion. But I’ve also gotten accustomed to the gift of being able to recreate my painting with new shades of yellow and rouge.  And I am blessed with the ability, every so often, to paint something new.  

My unexpected pregnancy was transformation number two. The first was a near death experience at age fourteen. Number three was the divorce. Number four was the failed relationship after my divorce. This one that I am currently forging through, however, has me feeling like a Phoenix on steroids. This one is the most intense so far. I am knee deep in transformation number five. I can smell the paint thinner coming, but it hasn’t yet touched my canvas.

It can be scary sometimes, not recognizing yourself from the person you were last year, last week, or even yesterday. But astrology has helped me to prepare for these metamorphoses. And as I diligently prepare for whatever Pluto has in store for me, I smile knowing that my life has been very difficult, but it has also been magnificent. And I probably would have died from the boredom, had I not been blessed with the gift of regeneration.



Today was a good day.  I got to witness the very best of humanity.  I watched an entire town get together for the sake of my friend with cancer.  

I don’t always fall in love, but today I fell in love with every single person.  I fell madly, deeply, and hopelessly in love with every single one of them.  

If the world could just do life the way my little town does life, we would all have it made.  

Love And Money 

I haven’t written in a while.  My body, mind, and spirit are still getting used to my new life.  I’m at a crossroads right now.  I’m working a lot of extra hours with my new job as a massage therapist on top of my full time job as a medical biller, being a single mom, and everything else that I do.  I’ve taken on a bit much.  The more I work as a massage therapist, the more I fall in love with it. It’s so quiet and calm.

For fourteen years, I’ve been stuck in a cubicle with phones ringing off the hook, a demanding boss who can be an evil wicked cunt, but sometimes she dresses like my grandma and I catch a glimpse of her humanity.  And I think to myself, maybe she is not so bad.  It’s usually when I drop my guard like that, when she really tries to make my life hell.  I have worked in a room with thirty year old high-school girls, who bullied older women for taking a shit at work.  They bullied anyone who didn’t conform to their standards of hierarchy.  I still hate those girls.

Seriously…Like they don’t shit.  Like they don’t have assholes just like the rest of us.

And there it is, that side of me who says shit like that.  That side of me who comes out usually when I’m at work.  That shadow side who thinks it’s okay to judge people for judging people.

Things are changing though.  I have ascended to the point where I can physically feel energy.  I have been trading reiki sessions with a friend and it has opened up some sort of understanding of the universe as a perfectly designed, larger than life, moving mandala of energy.  I am learning how to tap into that.  I am learning how to create the life I want, through that.  I am still amazed by all of this.

I can physically feel a vibration in someone’s foot without touching it.  I can feel colors.  I’m perfectly aware of how insane that may sound.  And I would say that I am crazy too, except there’s more.  You should have seen the look on my daughter’s face last week when I told her that a boy from Grand Ledge would be asking her out.  She had just been talking to a boy from that town and had not mentioned it to me or anyone else.  It just popped into my head, so I mentioned it to her.  She looked at me like she had just seen a ghost.  Yesterday he “hit her up,” as she described it.  So my prediction was pretty accurate.  This all happened after I successfully predicted a fall out between her and her two best friends.  A fall out that neither of us would have ever expected, but my tarot cards laid it all out.  I wonder if  maybe I’m developing my birthright.

My great grandfather was a psychic medium.  People would come from all over to listen as he channeled the dead.  Knowing that side of my family, I always assumed that he was just a Con artist, taking advantage of the vulnerabilities of grieving people.  That side of my family is made up of some pretty shady people.  Turns out, I do believe now that he was in fact speaking with the dead.  I believe this because I have heard them talk as well.

My uncle from that same side of the family bought a deck of tarot cards for me when I was younger.  It wasn’t a birthday gift or Christmas present.  He bought them for me out of the blue and has never bought me anything else.  I wonder now if he knew, if he had the same thing as well.  He passed away before I could ask, but his daughter sees colors in people and I can only assume that this is all connected.  I felt the presence of his deceased wife while I gave birth to my second daughter.  I’m certain her voice was the one advising me to go against the doctor’s advice.  After the delivery, the doctor said that I had made the right choice and he was going to use my advice on future patients.  I’m humbled by this family heritage, by this ancestral connection I can count on.

I don’t know what the fuck is happening in my life right now.  But it is getting stronger.  It’s got my daughter’s attention, that’s for sure.  And it has helped me in every other aspect of my life. I’m shape shifting in real time.  My dreams are all unfolding before me, against all of the odds.

I’m starting to make money as an astrologer and massage therapist, doing what I have wanted to do since I was in high school.  When I met my ex husband, I was going to school for both astrology and massage therapy.  While I was married, I buried my dreams and became someone else.  I’m still not sure why I was so quick to throw myself away.  But getting these things back into my life and actually being able to do them for a living is something I never thought was possible, until now.  I can’t quite come up with the words to describe how incredible this feels.

I look forward to going to work now, when I’m at my massage job.  For the first time, I am proud of my career.  I am proud of myself.  My kids are proud of me.  It feels so good, and so right!   But it’s not steady work.  And I would have to buy insurance if I were to leave my day job.

I have been groomed since birth to work the office job.  $19.42 per hour is a really good wage for a woman with no college degree in this economy.  I get nine and a half hours of paid time off, every two weeks.  That adds up to a month of Vacation time every year.  I have a very steady paycheck.  My benefits are decent.  I can choose my hours.  I love my coworkers in the new department.  I have weekends and holidays off.  This job has been the one consistent thing in my hurricane life.  It would be ignorant to walk away from all of this stability.  I have kids to raise, mouths to feed.  Responsibilities.

And yet, when I am at that job, I feel like the girl who doesn’t belong there.  I feel like Alice in Wonderland, when she has outgrown the fucking house and can’t move because her body is being held captive by a structure that was never meant to hold her.  I hate that job.  I hate the energy in that building.  No one is happy to be there.  90% of the words spoken around me are complaints and negativity.  I wear earbuds with loud music blasting into my ears all day long just to block it all out.  My office is the very place Dr. Seuss had warned us about, the dreaded waiting place.  This is a place where people waste their lives away, holding on to a future that won’t ever come because when you sit on your ass in a box for eight hours every day, your life expectancy falls down to retirement age.

And this is that common theme in my life right now.  Love or money?  Because I’ve never had both.  And maybe it’s time for that to change. I know there’s a way and I will find it eventually.  And when I doubt myself, I just need to look back on the past couple of years.  I can see myself a few years ago, and that girl doesn’t exist anymore.  She was a caterpillar.  I am a butterfly.  She’s gone forever, only pieces of her live on inside these wings.

I am filled with gratitude, knowing that I am doing what I love.  I know how precious it is to be able to say that.  I know that my journey is just beginning.  A new life cycle is about to bloom into my path ahead.  And I am taking steps toward a future filled with the bones of my greatest aspirations.  My heart is filled with a wild curiosity.  My soul is safe.  My cocoon is falling away.  It has to, my back was breaking from carrying it’s weight.  I am tired of not moving forward.

Trailways and Tears

You have to cry it out.  You have to go through the phase of aching, of grief, of guilt and depression and despair. This is the shedding of your own sweet heartache, like leaves in the cool October air.   You have to let it go. But you can’t release that which you do not see as real.  You need those salty, tangible tears to validate the pain, to solidify your worst emotion.

So cry. Write. Scream. Run.  Do whatever it takes to physically manifest your broken heart. Let your nerves suffer the cruel pain of injustice and longing. Hold your head under the shadows as long as you can bare.  Let your breath crumble to the soft whisper of promises that were never kept. Let your eyes fall to the floor in shame of feeling so small, so inadequate, in this big haunted world full of violent expectations, disapproval, and shame. Let your chest sink in agony from the guilt of holding on a little too tightly, to your own expectations.

And when you’re ready, you will know. Take your time and understand that all of it was real. And be gracious that it happened.  Take a big, deep breath and stand tall on the souls of your feet.  Know that you have the power to walk away and let it go. You have a voice to speak your truth as loudly as you can. You have eyes to see the light.  But you also have to see the darkness, and mine it’s lessons, like diamonds buried inside of the caves of your heart.  Be sweet to your old bones, for they are going to carry you far.

And when you get to where you are going, remember the roads that carried you there.  Drop to your knees in respect and awe of your own journey.   And smile, knowing that no one else has ever traveled the same roads as you, and yet…at the same time, everyone  has.  And now you know empathy, the fertilizer of love.  And love is the currency of your soul.

Goal Post 

I want to hike the shore to shore trail across Michigan.  It takes about 2 weeks.  I have my backpack.  I still need everything else.  But I do have everything picked out in my Amazon wish list!  My plan is to buy one item a month until I’m done.  Easy Peasy.

The hard part is getting my body in shape.  I quit smoking a while ago and I’m going strong with that.  Unfortunately, I’m also overweight and I have bad knees.  Those two things are connected, I’m sure.  

So I started intermittent fasting and eating a somewhat ketogenic diet.  I’m down to eating once per day, and I am loving the way I feel.  It’s only been about a month so far, but I am getting smaller. 

 I refuse to weigh myself.  I don’t care about numbers.  I care about my clothes fitting better, my liver healing, my insulin calming the fuck down, and my skin clearing up.  Intermittent fasting has been proven to be a fountain of youth- of sorts.  It’s a detox tool that induces autophagy…where your body eats itself and sheds dead cells.  

I’m also saving money!  One meal a day equals less money on food!  It’s a win-win!  I have a menu and shopping list made out for every 2 weeks to coincide with my paycheck.  I do meal prepping on Sundays instead of nursing a hangover because I can’t drink alcohol.  I still smoke weed.  But instead of eating pickles, chocolate, and cheetos when I get the munchies, I drink green tea.  

I don’t work out.  I’m planning on adding it in eventually, but I’m more focused on taking care of myself during this transition.  I am losing weight without it and according to the incredible Dr. Berg on YouTube, my weight gain is adrenal, which will heal faster through reducing stress rather than forcing myself to work out.  Works for me!  

I do have more energy, but I’ve been using it to keep my house and car clean, along with the energy reserves I need for my new massage therapy gig.  Massage therapy IS a workout! And I’m doing 2-3 hours of it every Monday and every other weekend.

I’m no longer addicted to sugar.  I don’t crave it.  I drink tea and water all day long, and when I feast, I am incredibly selective with what I put in my body.  I get one meal a day.  If I can’t eat good,  healthy, real food…I don’t eat at all.  

I’m making some really delicious meals!  Chicken soup with cabbage instead of noodles, Portobello Pizza,  Spaghetti squash bowls, and lemon pepper salmon.  I’ve always been the girl who brings napkins to potlucks.  I’m in charge of the pop at family holidays because I have never been a good cook.  But this new diet has me feeling like Martha Fucking Stewart!  My kids are loving it too!  I make kale & parsley smoothies on the regular and they are so good!  I actually crave parsley in the same way I used to crave chocolate.

I get a little ‘beast like’ during my feeding time.  I eat like a starving person.  But it’s not because I’m starving.  It’s because my tongue is bored to tears with green tea and water, and I’ve put a lot of thought into my meal, knowing that I only get one.  I look forward to eating every day, in a process that now makes me feel good when it used to make me feel shame.  

And this is my favorite part of fasting…I have learned to be picky.  With food, with friends, with love, with my time, with everything!   My standards are coming up and my waistline is going down.  It’s amazing what a little hunger can do.  

My goal is October 2018.  Me.  The shore to shore trail.  And a 4H club that will be riding horses on the trail while I hike because I’m terrified of walking across the entire state of Michigan by myself.  As much as I love solitude and nature, I don’t much like bears and murderers.  And it’s nice to know someone will be there every night, to notice if I don’t make it to camp before dark.

A lot can change in one year.  2017 has been proof of that!  But I hope to be in the woods and on my way in one year.  October 2018, me and my new body will be hitting the trail.  

Shedding Skin

I have Pluto and Saturn conjunct in my first house.  What that means is that I am continually transforming and evolving throughout my life.  My life…a revolving cycle of caterpillar to butterfly.  That’s what I’ve always read anyway.  It feels different than that though.  It feels like I keep unzipping myself, revealing a whole new layer inside of myself.  Over and over, I’ve opened up the zipper of my consciousness to reveal parts of myself that I never knew existed.  And just as quickly, shed the dead skin of my old self, sometimes by choice…sometimes by force. 

That’s where I’m at in life right now.  Shedding my old dead skin.  Opening up to a brand new suit.  A brand new phase.  This one looks like gold to me.  I need sunglasses just to think about it.  I know exactly what im going to do with this one.  

For My Fairy Godmother 

When I realized that I had moved my kids into a new town, with a man that made me crazy, I started to get very depressed.  Not like my normal sad slumpy mood, but sad like I thought the world would be better off without me, more specifically…that my children would be better off without me.  It got pretty dark inside my head for the first time since the prenatal depression I experienced in both of my girls’ third trimester.  It’s the kind of depression that creeps in without a notice, and then one day you can’t stop yourself from googling suicide notes and listening to Marilyn Manson’s Dope Show on repeat while crying hysterically at inappropriate times.  

So you can imagine the fucking miracle it was for me when my boyfriend’s daughter invited me to a ‘moon gathering.’  We took pillows and journals and little vegan snacks.  We sat on the floor of a quiet little yoga studio, in a circle around an altar of candles and sage.  A circle of women, beautiful spiritual women, meditating and talking about the moon and astrology.  I’m a fucking astrologer!  Where have these ladies been all my life?! I came from a family of extremely conservative Christians, who did not understand me or accept me.  And all my life I’ve been surrounded by people giving me the crazy girl laugh-off.  Anyone who believes in the stars is batshit crazy, right?  And there I was, just like the little bumble bee girl in Blind Melon’s ‘No Rain’ video.  I had just stumbled upon a room full of my own tribe, my sisters.  

And when my world came crashing down shortly after that, those women carried my drowning spirit to dry land.  They became my friends in a town where I had none.  They fed my soul with respect and love like a farmer feeds water to a thirsty crop.  And I’m certain we all came together for the very purpose of spreading our light.  It really does feel like I’ve known these women all of my life, or lives.

One of these ladies has changed my life beyond my wildest expectations.  I knew the moment I met her, that she would be significant in my life. I can’t remember if I told her my story first or if she told hers.  But we had come through similar experiences.  She has courageously warred her way through life.  She is a legend.  She is the kind of person that demands attention without ever demanding attention.  The world just gravitates towards her.  She is an ascended Leo Rising, a master of energy.  She is my fairy Godmother, as she is for anyone who knows the warmth of her very long hug.  She is my dear friend.  She is the very reason that I crawled out of and rose above my deepest depression.  She was a lighthouse in the hurricane of my life.  And she will never know how honored my soul is to know her.  

May the angels guide her through this darkest time of her own.  And may she know that my heart is always rooting for her health.