I’m laying in bed on this beautiful Sunday morning. It’s almost Spring time. I have survived another cold winter in this life of seclusion.
I’m thinking about skipping Easter Sunday with my family. I’m thinking about completely removing myself from my parent’s lives altogether. It would be easy. They never call, never come over. When I do make the effort to see them, they cut me down, yell a lot, and criticize me. I think my life would be easier without holidays, which are the most difficult times to be without a family. I’m not angry anymore. I understand that some people should be loved from a distance. Sometimes you just get born into the wrong tribe. It happens. I’ve made peace with that.
On the other side of things, my own children are still contemplating the possibility of living with their father. Two hours of distance between the the only family I care about and myself. It still hurts more than words could describe, but I haven’t lost all hope. I’m still holding on to the lovely thought that everything will be okay.
And now I wonder how my own mother would feel about being abandoned. Would her heart ache for the closeness that my heart is aching for with my daughters? I doubt it. I was never loved the way my children are loved. My mother never understood the concept of love.
All I can do, is wake up every morning, and make sure that they know they are loved. Not just by me, but by their dad too. And his girlfriend, and all their grandparents and aunts and cousins. They need to know that they will be safe and loved, no matter where they live. They need to know that they will be my favorite people until the day I die, no matter what they do or how they choose to live. They need to know that the love that I pour over their precious heads is unconditional and infinite.
I’d give anything to be given that same effort. And that is how I can rest and find peace with my life. I know that the generations yet to be born from me will not have to fight with the demons that I have fought with. I am changing the pattern of hell that I was born into so that my granddaughter’s granddaughters will walk this earth feeling loved.