Love And Money 

I haven’t written in a while.  My body, mind, and spirit are still getting used to my new life.  I’m at a crossroads right now.  I’m working a lot of extra hours with my new job as a massage therapist on top of my full time job as a medical biller, being a single mom, and everything else that I do.  I’ve taken on a bit much.  The more I work as a massage therapist, the more I fall in love with it. It’s so quiet and calm.

For fourteen years, I’ve been stuck in a cubicle with phones ringing off the hook, a demanding boss who can be an evil wicked cunt, but sometimes she dresses like my grandma and I catch a glimpse of her humanity.  And I think to myself, maybe she is not so bad.  It’s usually when I drop my guard like that, when she really tries to make my life hell.  I have worked in a room with thirty year old high-school girls, who bullied older women for taking a shit at work.  They bullied anyone who didn’t conform to their standards of hierarchy.  I still hate those girls.

Seriously…Like they don’t shit.  Like they don’t have assholes just like the rest of us.

And there it is, that side of me who says shit like that.  That side of me who comes out usually when I’m at work.  That shadow side who thinks it’s okay to judge people for judging people.

Things are changing though.  I have ascended to the point where I can physically feel energy.  I have been trading reiki sessions with a friend and it has opened up some sort of understanding of the universe as a perfectly designed, larger than life, moving mandala of energy.  I am learning how to tap into that.  I am learning how to create the life I want, through that.  I am still amazed by all of this.

I can physically feel a vibration in someone’s foot without touching it.  I can feel colors.  I’m perfectly aware of how insane that may sound.  And I would say that I am crazy too, except there’s more.  You should have seen the look on my daughter’s face last week when I told her that a boy from Grand Ledge would be asking her out.  She had just been talking to a boy from that town and had not mentioned it to me or anyone else.  It just popped into my head, so I mentioned it to her.  She looked at me like she had just seen a ghost.  Yesterday he “hit her up,” as she described it.  So my prediction was pretty accurate.  This all happened after I successfully predicted a fall out between her and her two best friends.  A fall out that neither of us would have ever expected, but my tarot cards laid it all out.  I wonder if  maybe I’m developing my birthright.

My great grandfather was a psychic medium.  People would come from all over to listen as he channeled the dead.  Knowing that side of my family, I always assumed that he was just a Con artist, taking advantage of the vulnerabilities of grieving people.  That side of my family is made up of some pretty shady people.  Turns out, I do believe now that he was in fact speaking with the dead.  I believe this because I have heard them talk as well.

My uncle from that same side of the family bought a deck of tarot cards for me when I was younger.  It wasn’t a birthday gift or Christmas present.  He bought them for me out of the blue and has never bought me anything else.  I wonder now if he knew, if he had the same thing as well.  He passed away before I could ask, but his daughter sees colors in people and I can only assume that this is all connected.  I felt the presence of his deceased wife while I gave birth to my second daughter.  I’m certain her voice was the one advising me to go against the doctor’s advice.  After the delivery, the doctor said that I had made the right choice and he was going to use my advice on future patients.  I’m humbled by this family heritage, by this ancestral connection I can count on.

I don’t know what the fuck is happening in my life right now.  But it is getting stronger.  It’s got my daughter’s attention, that’s for sure.  And it has helped me in every other aspect of my life. I’m shape shifting in real time.  My dreams are all unfolding before me, against all of the odds.

I’m starting to make money as an astrologer and massage therapist, doing what I have wanted to do since I was in high school.  When I met my ex husband, I was going to school for both astrology and massage therapy.  While I was married, I buried my dreams and became someone else.  I’m still not sure why I was so quick to throw myself away.  But getting these things back into my life and actually being able to do them for a living is something I never thought was possible, until now.  I can’t quite come up with the words to describe how incredible this feels.

I look forward to going to work now, when I’m at my massage job.  For the first time, I am proud of my career.  I am proud of myself.  My kids are proud of me.  It feels so good, and so right!   But it’s not steady work.  And I would have to buy insurance if I were to leave my day job.

I have been groomed since birth to work the office job.  $19.42 per hour is a really good wage for a woman with no college degree in this economy.  I get nine and a half hours of paid time off, every two weeks.  That adds up to a month of Vacation time every year.  I have a very steady paycheck.  My benefits are decent.  I can choose my hours.  I love my coworkers in the new department.  I have weekends and holidays off.  This job has been the one consistent thing in my hurricane life.  It would be ignorant to walk away from all of this stability.  I have kids to raise, mouths to feed.  Responsibilities.

And yet, when I am at that job, I feel like the girl who doesn’t belong there.  I feel like Alice in Wonderland, when she has outgrown the fucking house and can’t move because her body is being held captive by a structure that was never meant to hold her.  I hate that job.  I hate the energy in that building.  No one is happy to be there.  90% of the words spoken around me are complaints and negativity.  I wear earbuds with loud music blasting into my ears all day long just to block it all out.  My office is the very place Dr. Seuss had warned us about, the dreaded waiting place.  This is a place where people waste their lives away, holding on to a future that won’t ever come because when you sit on your ass in a box for eight hours every day, your life expectancy falls down to retirement age.

And this is that common theme in my life right now.  Love or money?  Because I’ve never had both.  And maybe it’s time for that to change. I know there’s a way and I will find it eventually.  And when I doubt myself, I just need to look back on the past couple of years.  I can see myself a few years ago, and that girl doesn’t exist anymore.  She was a caterpillar.  I am a butterfly.  She’s gone forever, only pieces of her live on inside these wings.

I am filled with gratitude, knowing that I am doing what I love.  I know how precious it is to be able to say that.  I know that my journey is just beginning.  A new life cycle is about to bloom into my path ahead.  And I am taking steps toward a future filled with the bones of my greatest aspirations.  My heart is filled with a wild curiosity.  My soul is safe.  My cocoon is falling away.  It has to, my back was breaking from carrying it’s weight.  I am tired of not moving forward.


Trailways and Tears

You have to cry it out.  You have to go through the phase of aching, of grief, of guilt and depression and despair. This is the shedding of your own sweet heartache, like leaves in the cool October air.   You have to let it go. But you can’t release that which you do not see as real.  You need those salty, tangible tears to validate the pain, to solidify your worst emotion.

So cry. Write. Scream. Run.  Do whatever it takes to physically manifest your broken heart. Let your nerves suffer the cruel pain of injustice and longing. Hold your head under the shadows as long as you can bare.  Let your breath crumble to the soft whisper of promises that were never kept. Let your eyes fall to the floor in shame of feeling so small, so inadequate, in this big haunted world full of violent expectations, disapproval, and shame. Let your chest sink in agony from the guilt of holding on a little too tightly, to your own expectations.

And when you’re ready, you will know. Take your time and understand that all of it was real. And be gracious that it happened.  Take a big, deep breath and stand tall on the souls of your feet.  Know that you have the power to walk away and let it go. You have a voice to speak your truth as loudly as you can. You have eyes to see the light.  But you also have to see the darkness, and mine it’s lessons, like diamonds buried inside of the caves of your heart.  Be sweet to your old bones, for they are going to carry you far.

And when you get to where you are going, remember the roads that carried you there.  Drop to your knees in respect and awe of your own journey.   And smile, knowing that no one else has ever traveled the same roads as you, and yet…at the same time, everyone  has.  And now you know empathy, the fertilizer of love.  And love is the currency of your soul.

Goal Post 

I want to hike the shore to shore trail across Michigan.  It takes about 2 weeks.  I have my backpack.  I still need everything else.  But I do have everything picked out in my Amazon wish list!  My plan is to buy one item a month until I’m done.  Easy Peasy.

The hard part is getting my body in shape.  I quit smoking a while ago and I’m going strong with that.  Unfortunately, I’m also overweight and I have bad knees.  Those two things are connected, I’m sure.  

So I started intermittent fasting and eating a somewhat ketogenic diet.  I’m down to eating once per day, and I am loving the way I feel.  It’s only been about a month so far, but I am getting smaller. 

 I refuse to weigh myself.  I don’t care about numbers.  I care about my clothes fitting better, my liver healing, my insulin calming the fuck down, and my skin clearing up.  Intermittent fasting has been proven to be a fountain of youth- of sorts.  It’s a detox tool that induces autophagy…where your body eats itself and sheds dead cells.  

I’m also saving money!  One meal a day equals less money on food!  It’s a win-win!  I have a menu and shopping list made out for every 2 weeks to coincide with my paycheck.  I do meal prepping on Sundays instead of nursing a hangover because I can’t drink alcohol.  I still smoke weed.  But instead of eating pickles, chocolate, and cheetos when I get the munchies, I drink green tea.  

I don’t work out.  I’m planning on adding it in eventually, but I’m more focused on taking care of myself during this transition.  I am losing weight without it and according to the incredible Dr. Berg on YouTube, my weight gain is adrenal, which will heal faster through reducing stress rather than forcing myself to work out.  Works for me!  

I do have more energy, but I’ve been using it to keep my house and car clean, along with the energy reserves I need for my new massage therapy gig.  Massage therapy IS a workout! And I’m doing 2-3 hours of it every Monday and every other weekend.

I’m no longer addicted to sugar.  I don’t crave it.  I drink tea and water all day long, and when I feast, I am incredibly selective with what I put in my body.  I get one meal a day.  If I can’t eat good,  healthy, real food…I don’t eat at all.  

I’m making some really delicious meals!  Chicken soup with cabbage instead of noodles, Portobello Pizza,  Spaghetti squash bowls, and lemon pepper salmon.  I’ve always been the girl who brings napkins to potlucks.  I’m in charge of the pop at family holidays because I have never been a good cook.  But this new diet has me feeling like Martha Fucking Stewart!  My kids are loving it too!  I make kale & parsley smoothies on the regular and they are so good!  I actually crave parsley in the same way I used to crave chocolate.

I get a little ‘beast like’ during my feeding time.  I eat like a starving person.  But it’s not because I’m starving.  It’s because my tongue is bored to tears with green tea and water, and I’ve put a lot of thought into my meal, knowing that I only get one.  I look forward to eating every day, in a process that now makes me feel good when it used to make me feel shame.  

And this is my favorite part of fasting…I have learned to be picky.  With food, with friends, with love, with my time, with everything!   My standards are coming up and my waistline is going down.  It’s amazing what a little hunger can do.  

My goal is October 2018.  Me.  The shore to shore trail.  And a 4H club that will be riding horses on the trail while I hike because I’m terrified of walking across the entire state of Michigan by myself.  As much as I love solitude and nature, I don’t much like bears and murderers.  And it’s nice to know someone will be there every night, to notice if I don’t make it to camp before dark.

A lot can change in one year.  2017 has been proof of that!  But I hope to be in the woods and on my way in one year.  October 2018, me and my new body will be hitting the trail.  

Shedding Skin

I have Pluto and Saturn conjunct in my first house.  What that means is that I am continually transforming and evolving throughout my life.  My life…a revolving cycle of caterpillar to butterfly.  That’s what I’ve always read anyway.  It feels different than that though.  It feels like I keep unzipping myself, revealing a whole new layer inside of myself.  Over and over, I’ve opened up the zipper of my consciousness to reveal parts of myself that I never knew existed.  And just as quickly, shed the dead skin of my old self, sometimes by choice…sometimes by force. 

That’s where I’m at in life right now.  Shedding my old dead skin.  Opening up to a brand new suit.  A brand new phase.  This one looks like gold to me.  I need sunglasses just to think about it.  I know exactly what im going to do with this one.