I haven’t written in a while. My body, mind, and spirit are still getting used to my new life. I’m at a crossroads right now. I’m working a lot of extra hours with my new job as a massage therapist on top of my full time job as a medical biller, being a single mom, and everything else that I do. I’ve taken on a bit much. The more I work as a massage therapist, the more I fall in love with it. It’s so quiet and calm.
For fourteen years, I’ve been stuck in a cubicle with phones ringing off the hook, a demanding boss who can be an evil wicked cunt, but sometimes she dresses like my grandma and I catch a glimpse of her humanity. And I think to myself, maybe she is not so bad. It’s usually when I drop my guard like that, when she really tries to make my life hell. I have worked in a room with thirty year old high-school girls, who bullied older women for taking a shit at work. They bullied anyone who didn’t conform to their standards of hierarchy. I still hate those girls.
Seriously…Like they don’t shit. Like they don’t have assholes just like the rest of us.
And there it is, that side of me who says shit like that. That side of me who comes out usually when I’m at work. That shadow side who thinks it’s okay to judge people for judging people.
Things are changing though. I have ascended to the point where I can physically feel energy. I have been trading reiki sessions with a friend and it has opened up some sort of understanding of the universe as a perfectly designed, larger than life, moving mandala of energy. I am learning how to tap into that. I am learning how to create the life I want, through that. I am still amazed by all of this.
I can physically feel a vibration in someone’s foot without touching it. I can feel colors. I’m perfectly aware of how insane that may sound. And I would say that I am crazy too, except there’s more. You should have seen the look on my daughter’s face last week when I told her that a boy from Grand Ledge would be asking her out. She had just been talking to a boy from that town and had not mentioned it to me or anyone else. It just popped into my head, so I mentioned it to her. She looked at me like she had just seen a ghost. Yesterday he “hit her up,” as she described it. So my prediction was pretty accurate. This all happened after I successfully predicted a fall out between her and her two best friends. A fall out that neither of us would have ever expected, but my tarot cards laid it all out. I wonder if maybe I’m developing my birthright.
My great grandfather was a psychic medium. People would come from all over to listen as he channeled the dead. Knowing that side of my family, I always assumed that he was just a Con artist, taking advantage of the vulnerabilities of grieving people. That side of my family is made up of some pretty shady people. Turns out, I do believe now that he was in fact speaking with the dead. I believe this because I have heard them talk as well.
My uncle from that same side of the family bought a deck of tarot cards for me when I was younger. It wasn’t a birthday gift or Christmas present. He bought them for me out of the blue and has never bought me anything else. I wonder now if he knew, if he had the same thing as well. He passed away before I could ask, but his daughter sees colors in people and I can only assume that this is all connected. I felt the presence of his deceased wife while I gave birth to my second daughter. I’m certain her voice was the one advising me to go against the doctor’s advice. After the delivery, the doctor said that I had made the right choice and he was going to use my advice on future patients. I’m humbled by this family heritage, by this ancestral connection I can count on.
I don’t know what the fuck is happening in my life right now. But it is getting stronger. It’s got my daughter’s attention, that’s for sure. And it has helped me in every other aspect of my life. I’m shape shifting in real time. My dreams are all unfolding before me, against all of the odds.
I’m starting to make money as an astrologer and massage therapist, doing what I have wanted to do since I was in high school. When I met my ex husband, I was going to school for both astrology and massage therapy. While I was married, I buried my dreams and became someone else. I’m still not sure why I was so quick to throw myself away. But getting these things back into my life and actually being able to do them for a living is something I never thought was possible, until now. I can’t quite come up with the words to describe how incredible this feels.
I look forward to going to work now, when I’m at my massage job. For the first time, I am proud of my career. I am proud of myself. My kids are proud of me. It feels so good, and so right! But it’s not steady work. And I would have to buy insurance if I were to leave my day job.
I have been groomed since birth to work the office job. $19.42 per hour is a really good wage for a woman with no college degree in this economy. I get nine and a half hours of paid time off, every two weeks. That adds up to a month of Vacation time every year. I have a very steady paycheck. My benefits are decent. I can choose my hours. I love my coworkers in the new department. I have weekends and holidays off. This job has been the one consistent thing in my hurricane life. It would be ignorant to walk away from all of this stability. I have kids to raise, mouths to feed. Responsibilities.
And yet, when I am at that job, I feel like the girl who doesn’t belong there. I feel like Alice in Wonderland, when she has outgrown the fucking house and can’t move because her body is being held captive by a structure that was never meant to hold her. I hate that job. I hate the energy in that building. No one is happy to be there. 90% of the words spoken around me are complaints and negativity. I wear earbuds with loud music blasting into my ears all day long just to block it all out. My office is the very place Dr. Seuss had warned us about, the dreaded waiting place. This is a place where people waste their lives away, holding on to a future that won’t ever come because when you sit on your ass in a box for eight hours every day, your life expectancy falls down to retirement age.
And this is that common theme in my life right now. Love or money? Because I’ve never had both. And maybe it’s time for that to change. I know there’s a way and I will find it eventually. And when I doubt myself, I just need to look back on the past couple of years. I can see myself a few years ago, and that girl doesn’t exist anymore. She was a caterpillar. I am a butterfly. She’s gone forever, only pieces of her live on inside these wings.
I am filled with gratitude, knowing that I am doing what I love. I know how precious it is to be able to say that. I know that my journey is just beginning. A new life cycle is about to bloom into my path ahead. And I am taking steps toward a future filled with the bones of my greatest aspirations. My heart is filled with a wild curiosity. My soul is safe. My cocoon is falling away. It has to, my back was breaking from carrying the weight of it around. And I’m tired of not moving forward.