There’s nothing more terrifying than being excited about someone after having no feelings at all for anyone or anything in a long time. It’s like waking up from a nightmare over and over, you have to constantly remind yourself that you are awake now. The scary stuff isn’t happening to you now. This guy isn’t the last guy and there’s nothing to worry about, yet.
It’s even scarier when you find yourself trying to logically figure your way out of your feelings, but like quicksand, the more you struggle to find your way out, the deeper you sink into oblivion.
I still don’t want to fall in love. I still have no desire to be in a typical relationship, with the typical milestones that lead to cohabitation and what not. But I find myself talking to this guy every night and his words are like flowers opening up inside of my mind. I don’t want flowers in my mind, but I’m mesmerized by them. I’ve gotten accustomed to my cynicism and independent lifestyle. I went a little crazy when he sent me a recording of Hall and Oates playing on his radio, ‘Your Kiss is on my List.’ I can’t stop smiling, and it’s ridiculous.
I’m like the newly awakened vampire you see in the movies, the ones who get their first taste of blood after being dead for a long time, and they go on a fucking rampage sucking the life out of entire civilizations and still not quenching their thirst. I have to keep reminding myself to calm the fuck down.
That being said, this mysterious new guy who has managed to collect my full, undivided attention, is going to spend next weekend at my house. I am going to relax and enjoy this amazing new sex life that I have stumbled upon, and leave these feelings of fear to work themselves out some other time.