Stupid Tulips 


I took my kids to Holland, Michigan for a weekend getaway. I haven’t had a full weekend with them in a while because of school, so I wanted to do something special.  

The weather was crappy. I had cramps. My kids fought the entire time. They complained about going to the little island of tulips tourist trap because it wasn’t very exciting.  

‘We drove two and a half hours to look at stupid tulips,’ my fourteen year old muttered with disgust.  

The whole trip was kind of a disaster. I lost my temper and told them that I would not be taking them on vacations anymore and that maybe they should go live with their dad.  I spit anger and called them spoiled and selfish.  I screamed that we might as well pack up and go home.  I told them they were acting like assholes because I spent the very last of my bank account on this trip for nothing at all.

As soon as those words came out, I instantly hated myself. I hurt them and I knew it. No matter how much I apologized, I couldn’t take those words back. I couldn’t make them feel wanted after telling them that they should live with their dad.  The guilt of my explosive emotions is haunting me today. I have thoughts creeping into my head that maybe I’m not cut out to be a single mom. I’ve lost my muchness, as the mad hatter would say. I’ve lost my worth as a single mom and I don’t know how to get it back.  

This is the type of thing that pushes the gates of depression wide open and it’s really hard to pull them back. I start thinking about the damage my mom has done to me, how I’m still working through those hurtful words well into my thirties. I think about how that painful inheritance is crawling through to another generation.  Maybe I can’t stop my mother’s disease from blooming inside my head, like an ugly weed that I keep pulling out but it keeps growing back. Maybe the girls would be better off living with their dad.  

I hate myself today. I hate that I hurt the people whom I love the most. I hate that a weekend away, filled with so much beauty will always be remembered as one of the ugliest times in my life. I hate that I have been pulling these weeds in my brain for so long now, and I am getting too tired to tend to my garden anymore. I am out of ideas on how to fix this.

Advertisements

Published by

Little Moon Talks

Deep thinking, wine drinking, lover of the moon. I'm a typical Midwestern single mother, who has been blessed with the task of raising a couple of sassy little feminists. My friends call me eccentric. I am a hippie at heart. I have a pretty boring 9-5 job. I'm about half way through massage therapy school. I started my own Astrology business this year. Astrology is my passion. And I have this blog, which functions as a release valve for all the emotions I don't have time to process. It's also a way for me to put my wicked awesome iPhone photography skills to good use. I started writing an astrology blog, but wanted an outlet for more personal topics, the little conversations I have in the middle of the night when it's just me and the moon. I am passionate about empowering women, cultivating self worth, marijuana, wine, and my lifelong quest to understanding relationships. Thank you for checking me out. I wish to remain somewhat anonymous here, but in return I promise to bleed my heart out into each and every blog I post.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s