The weather was crappy. I had cramps. My kids fought the entire time. They complained about going to the little island of tulips tourist trap because it wasn’t very exciting.
‘We drove two and a half hours to look at stupid tulips,’ my fourteen year old muttered with disgust.
The whole trip was kind of a disaster. I lost my temper and told them that I would not be taking them on vacations anymore and that maybe they should go live with their dad. I spit anger and called them spoiled and selfish. I screamed that we might as well pack up and go home. I told them they were acting like assholes because I spent the very last of my bank account on this trip for nothing at all.
As soon as those words came out, I instantly hated myself. I hurt them and I knew it. No matter how much I apologized, I couldn’t take those words back. I couldn’t make them feel wanted after telling them that they should live with their dad. The guilt of my explosive emotions is haunting me today. I have thoughts creeping into my head that maybe I’m not cut out to be a single mom. I’ve lost my muchness, as the mad hatter would say. I’ve lost my worth as a single mom and I don’t know how to get it back.
This is the type of thing that pushes the gates of depression wide open and it’s really hard to pull them back. I start thinking about the damage my mom has done to me, how I’m still working through those hurtful words well into my thirties. I think about how that painful inheritance is crawling through to another generation. Maybe I can’t stop my mother’s disease from blooming inside my head, like an ugly weed that I keep pulling out but it keeps growing back. Maybe the girls would be better off living with their dad.
I hate myself today. I hate that I hurt the people whom I love the most. I hate that a weekend away, filled with so much beauty will always be remembered as one of the ugliest times in my life. I hate that I have been pulling these weeds in my brain for so long now, and I am getting too tired to tend to my garden anymore. I am out of ideas on how to fix this.