Nope. Not happening.
It’s not that I’m afraid of being hurt again. I have always been an optimist about love. I am down right gifted at getting over a heartache. Getting hurt doesn’t scare me at all.
There are two reasons why I won’t allow myself to love again.
The first is my daughters. I still feel guilty for letting them down with the last guy. I fucked up. I made a huge mistake. I changed their lives by moving them out to the prairie. And then deciding to stay here so we don’t have to change schools again. And I will admit that we are doing just fine right now. I came out of a shitty situation, smelling like a rose. I got lucky. We found a cute little place to live. My girls are in an excellent school district. We’ve all made some really amazing new friends. I’m 8 weeks out from being a certified massage therapist. That old dream wouldn’t be in my grasp had I not moved here. Good things came from this big mistake.
But those positives don’t cancel out the big fat negatives. My kids had to move….again. They had to live with some guy their mom fell in love with. They had to deal with his tantrums. They had to deal with my depression about it. They have to finish up childhood with the stigma of a single parent household, along with the financial hardship. They didn’t ask for any of this. They were just born into a broken home, with a mom who throws her heart at people who don’t deserve it. I won’t do this to them again. I can’t. It’s not even a possibility.
The second reason is that I don’t trust myself anymore. I have a really hard time holding on to myself when I’m in love. There’s some sort of instinct in me, I can’t help it. When I’m in love, I wrap my entire life around the person of my affection. I feel that real love is accepting the other person exactly as they are. So I accept the good, the bad, and the bull shit until I can’t take it anymore. I have accepted rage. I have accepted constant criticism. I have accepted being bullied and belittled. I have accepted so much more than any one person should.
My skin has grown very thin. I don’t have it in me to be anyone’s emotional punching bag anymore. I have never experienced love that didn’t feel that way to me. And I don’t trust myself to maintain my boundaries once my heart is set on love. So, it’s best for me to just leave that part of my life behind.
Does it hurt a little to know that I won’t get to share my life with anyone? Absolutely. I’m currently grieving that idea as I type this out in an attempt to somehow find some peace about it. But this is the way my life is unfolding. And I’m trying really hard to accept it. Now if I could just get my friends to understand…. If I could just get my heart to understand.