I have a demon inside me. At least that’s what it feels like. There’s a wicked, hateful voice inside my head, and she’s always telling me I’m not enough. She tells me that I’m all wrong. She tells me I’m worthless. She sounds like a demon, if demons were real. I believe this demon, who I’m going to name Stella, has haunted the minds of my ancestors for generations beyond my own. She is carried through our bloodline in our angry voices and sometimes howling depression.
She was holding the trigger when my grandfather pointed a loaded gun at his own father’s head, only to have it misfire. She was the always unimpressed tone in my mother’s voice. She’s the mom inside me that loses her shit sometimes because the girls won’t stop arguing. She is my daughter’s broken heart because the boy she had a crush on called her ugly.
Stella’s a real bitch. She has terrorized everyone I love. And we never even knew it was happening. She hides herself away in our minds, our inner voices. We don’t even know she’s there, because she camouflages herself amidst our own thoughts. But she is always there. She is always reminding me about all the things I can’t do, all the places I can’t go, everything I can’t be. She holds me down when I want nothing more than to fly. After all, I’ve worked so diligently at transformation. I have earned these wings, but Stella has them shackled.
Honestly, I don’t know what I would do without her. I’ve never lived without Stella. I am certain life without her would be awkward and strange. She’s a part of my DNA, my family heritage. She has kept us in check for generations. Life without Stella would feel like being naked in a park. Freeing and beautiful, but terrifying at the same time. Is it possible to stand completely naked in a park without fear? I suppose some would say yes, but those people have never met Stella. I know this because she feeds on fear and clearly those people have none. Stella has gotten fat off my fear. But I’ve had enough. I’m tired of always feeding this demon. I’m tired of believing all of her bullshit.
I have a long way to go. I want to pry Stella’s creepy little hands from under my skin. I want to believe in myself so fiercely that I can stand naked in a park. Maybe I will join a nudest club. Maybe I will slice Stella’s throat and finally move on in my life. I am working on it. And I will. I will kill that bitch before she gets to my girls. Fuck Stella.