Trust for me feels like algebra. I know it exists, but I don’t understand it. I’m following the rules, trying to figure it out. My feet are begging me to walk away, and I stay planted, determined almost, to crack the algorithm of you. If I could just solve you… But I don’t trust you. You told me not to, in so many words.

“I hate that you’re so easy to talk to.”

“Please don’t fall in love fast.”

“Women think they can change me, but they can’t.”

“You left an impression on me.”

“You’re the first girl in a long time that has me thinking.”

“They’re not you.”

“My entire being comes alive when I am around you.”

“I had up to five girls in my rotation.”

“I let them each believe that they had a shot at being the girlfriend.”

“I don’t want to hurt her or you.”

“I like to have my cake and eat it too.”

“Who’s pussy is this?”

“You’ve got me feeling jealous.”

“Obviously you chose the other guy. I am nobody’s consolation prize.”

“She was upset when I told her about you.”

“She’s okay with it now.”

“I’m busy this weekend.”

“You should get me a dime bag for my birthday.”

“Can you grab some cookies on your way?”

“Can I hit that vape again?”

“Can you help me figure out my life?”

“I don’t chase.”

“I’m broke.”

“I will text you later.”

“Sorry, I was busy.”

“I’m far from self absorbed.”

“I’m a little self absorbed.”

“A closed mouth doesn’t get fed.”

“I can’t help how you feel.”

I have always hated algebra, but not as much as I have always hated guys like you. Fuck off with your nonsense.


The Beauty of Perspective

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ~Mary Oliver

I used to see the world as a very frightening place, filled with a million reasons to cry, rage, or hide myself away from it. I never trusted anyone, especially myself. My first instinct about people was always that they wouldn’t like me or that they couldn’t be trusted. I was usually correct. My first instinct in general was fear. I had grown up, believing that I was ugly, worthless, and ignorant. My perspective was clouded with the self hatred that my mother had projected onto me. I had always believed in my mother’s perspective, because I didn’t know any better. That was a terrible way to live.

In my thirties, I discovered that reality is a choice. And so I planted a voluptuous garden on top of the manure that life had given me. A feast grew from my pain. I nourished myself. I nourished any empty hands that came my way. I found a reason to live again. In that space, where I re-mothered myself, where I became my own God, I finally found the redemption that I had always been seeking. It had been quietly tucked inside of my intention and authenticity the entire time.

My life now feels like an incredible gift. I am now moving through my own creative expression and enjoying the view. I’m finding diamonds in the trees. I’m finding gold in the water. I see hope on the horizon. I’ve embraced the chaos of my binary perspective. I have learned to appreciate the choices that fall into my consciousness.

I no longer swim against the current, or tread water for fear of moving forward. I don’t swim anymore at all. I only float. I observe and I learn. I stopped holding on so tightly to my life. I let it all go. And then every thing I have ever wanted suddenly appeared within my grasp. And I just keep letting go. And these flowers keep blooming on my fingertips, like magic.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Life is beautiful. I am beautiful. My mother is beautiful too, she just lost her ability to see it.

Living My Best Life

Our festival launch made front page news, and our fundraiser is coming along beautifully. We have appointments set up this week with wealthy people, to ask for sponsorships. We just joined a Michigan Festival association, and are well on our way to creating a legacy for our community. We have successfully launched this thing. And it’s a big deal.

I have had visions of this festival, when I attended the first gathering that we had at the psychic fair in town. My new gypsy friends and I were all clustered around the campfire, and I started to see things. I saw this town in the spotlight. I saw that it would be on the map and that there would be marijuana growing on the local farm land. (The local news just named us the “Medical Marijuana Capital of Michigan,” as five large scale grow operations just moved into town.) I saw our festival, along with several other festivals, being a huge attraction to our community. There’s a network of higher perspective people flocking to this town. I see the downtown area thriving with new age and metaphysical shops. I see bed and breakfasts coming back. I see like minded people moving here to take advantage of the many hiking trails, wildlife reserves, and the beautiful Shiawassee River. I see the prairie farms being encouraged to grow organic produce, so maybe cancer won’t grow so rapidly out here.

And I saw our festival, at the park, where all the trees are aligned with sacred geometry. This humongous park is already set up for a music festival, because it hosted one annually, up until five years ago. Our town was hosting music festivals way before it was cool. The 6000 person amphitheater sits right on the river, so the venue was famous for paddling up to watch a show. In honor of that tradition, we’re fundraising with a two hour paddling scavenger hunt on the river, followed by a picnic served at the park.

I didn’t live here when the other festival went belly up. I have heard that it happened because the stage wasn’t covered and when the last show got rained out, they lost everything. The band would not play because it would ruin their equipment. And somehow tickets were sold for a show that never happened. And the refund money had disappeared. We are now building our own dreams of a festival that is less about money and more about music, love, and community. But I do see the money coming in.

We are borrowing stages from the festival association, so we will have covered stages for our performers. Two of the people on our team are the founders of a phenomenal band that plays all over Michigan and beyond. They have rounded up two dozen Michigan bands to play our show, and have handpicked our playlist for the weekend. Those boys will also announce our festival at every show they are playing across the state, all summer long. They are booked every weekend and are playing some big shows. We also have local media wanting to cover our story, because we’re bringing back a long standing tradition that was very well known in the community.

It’s amazing how all of this came together. Even in my vision, I had no idea that I would be helping to create it. This all started because a group of people came together and planned a benefit for our friend and family member who had been diagnosed with cancer, my fairy godmother. And then we were so proud of ourselves that we decided to do it on a larger scale.

The process has been a once in a lifetime experience. A group of people deciding to jump. No more sitting around and talking about our dreams. It was time to leap forward and see what happens.

And we did. And it’s been a roller coaster. But I’ve never been happier or more proud of myself than I am today. I’m finally becoming the person that I have always wanted to be. Not many people can say that.

I’m just living my best life, a blessed life.

For Em

My niece and I are kindred spirits. We have identical numerology charts and I’ve always felt deeply connected to her. The day that she was born was the first time in my life that I had ever cried tears of joy. I sobbed all the way down in the hospital elevator, emotionally overwhelmed at the love that I already had for this beautiful blue eyed girl.

She was allowed to skip her senior year. (Of course she was. She is a triple Aquarius.) And I can tell from looking at her chart that she will change the world in a big way. This girl was born to be a humanitarian. Once she realizes her ability to design her own life, that girl is going to sprout wings and fly into the horizon. She has a big life ahead of her.

She is starting to spend more time with me, uncovering the layers of her own spirituality that had been buried under the trauma of her dad’s seven year opiate addiction followed by his extreme religious dictatorship that came with recovery. My niece has not had an easy childhood, and it’s been a very moving experience to watch her rise into her own power.

She has been through so much in her young life, and here she is getting dropped into the real world an entire year earlier than expected. I’m in awe of her brains, her compassion, and her courage. She has decided to take her first baby steps forward into CNA school. I know she will thrive on this planted seed.

My mother and a few other bullies in my family have cut her down for this career choice. Like a barely seventeen year old girl who has never really ventured out of her own home town, is supposed to just dive in to a serious career choice and know exactly how to do life. Ridiculous.

This career choice is a door opening for her. It’s a one way ticket to the rest of her life. I hope my mother lives long enough to really see what this girl is made of. And I hope my niece finds forgiveness of my mother’s venomous doubt easier than I have.

Today is her open house. Her parents recently decided to adopt a four year old girl whose mother is in prison for murder and father is addicted to heroine. One niece flies from the nest and new one is welcomed home. Today should be a beautiful day. Today I am grateful for the precious gift of being an aunt.

Doula Dreams

“Women were born to lead. Get out of her fucking way.” ~r.h. sin

A very dear friend of mine is going to school to be a life coach and hypnotherapist. She offered a practice life coaching session to me today, and of course I jumped at it. My life is pretty crazy right now, and I have always wondered about the life-coaching process.

I have this vision of a career that I am building, one step at a time. I’m going to school in October to become a childbirth doula. I am planning to partner up with a post-natal doula. I’m hoping that partner will be my cousin, who is also a photographer and showed an interest in doula school. Together, we can sell this business as a service for expectant mothers. The service would include prenatal massage appointments, pregnancy & infant photo shoot, full doula birth and post natal services, an astrological birth chart for the baby, and a post natal healing session for the mother.

A miscarriage support plan will be in place as well. I also plan to add death doula services to my list, and eventually work with hospice services and nursing homes. But first I want to encompass every aspect of pregnancy.

I have personally experienced two miscarriages, so I know how awkward and horrific they can be. In fact, I left my ex husband because of his behavior during my miscarriages. And I stayed with him for ten years, through some pretty messed up times.

I want to offer this service as something I’ve wished that I could have had, during those really big moments in my life when I felt so scared and alone. Those moments when I needed someone to hold my hand through the daunting task of mourning in private for a life that is still never talked about, and the physical and emotional pain that accompany that situation.

My service will carry a woman through the beautiful and sometimes terrifying journey of childbirth. Again, I had my narcissistic mother and an over grown man child to help me through the enormous labor of labor. I would have paid good money for someone like me to help me through that process. I have an abundance of positive energy. I want to make good use of it. Bringing life into this world, helping to honor life as it leaves this world, and empowering women in their most intense moments… Those are the moments that I want to be a part of. Those are the moments that matter the most. And this career is a divine design that encompasses my three greatest passions… massage, astrology, and empowering women.

This package would be expensive. But I would pro-bono 50% of my clients. This way, a wealthy mother could sponsor a less fortunate mother by paying full price, and the two can exchange photos and letters in the hopes of inspiring a lifetime bond between two women, two children, and two very different financial backgrounds. A bridge between two people who would normally be separated by status. This would also give the high status women a sense of entitlement to such an elite service. I’m hoping that rich women will make a trend out of this service and spread our business model across the country. When women come together, everyone wins.

My friend just informed me that she is also training in the art of childbirth hypnosis. That same friend is building a music festival with me because we got high one day and recognized the beauty of each other’s potential. Now we have an entire team of people, working together to make something happen. And in a few years, when this Jupiter blessed music festival project starts really paying off, we are going to use our profit to buy a mansion on the boulevard and open our very own center for women and healing. It’s going to be one of a kind. We will eventually expand, hiring a midwife and possibly designing birthing suites, mixed with some long term lodging available to young or battered women who have no place to stay, no support in their lives.

This big idea all stems from the pain of my mother threatening to disown me if I didn’t have an abortion, and my brother’s willingness to take me into his home, when I was pregnant and scared and alone. I had nowhere to go, nothing to offer my unborn child. He offered to help me get back on my soon to be swollen feet and because of that, I have a beautiful daughter that has blessed my life in so many ways.

This is what I am learning about myself right now. All my deepest wounds are lined with gold. I’m re-writing myself. I’m re-writing my story.

We would use this space to offer Massage, reiki, meditation, hypnosis, yoga, writing retreats, Moon circles, smudging services, astrology classes, and whatever else we decide to do. Because when you get a few enlightened old souls together, you never know what the hell we’re capable of.

And I spent that whole session letting go of thirty years of baggage that lovingly molded me into the champion that I am now becoming. Today I remembered just who the fuck I always have been. I opened myself to trusting that I will figure it all out, in perfect timing.

I keep leaping forward in life, with my heart wide open. I’m too far gone to go back now.

Breaking The Girl

I have a really bad habit of contradicting myself in regards to what I’m looking for in love. I’m one of those girls who wants to settle down with someone, but I am also the girl who creates impossible standards to settle down with. I get caught between hoping for the fairy tale and not believing in love at all. I’m not so much picky, as I am difficult. But at my age, mid to late thirties, there are only two types of men available. There are men who want to settle down and men who never will.

The men who want to settle down are usually the men who can’t stand on their own two feet. These are usually the men who want to meet up at your local Applebee’s for a half off appetizer and a couple of beers. You more than likely met him on a dating app and you only gave him a chance because he looked kind of hot, holding up a dead fish in one of his pictures. But now that you’ve met him, he knows nothing about fishing or anything to do with nature. His uncle caught that fish, and he took the opportunity to capture a shirtless photo, looking all manly and rugged. In reality, he is neither. He will talk about his crappy job, his crazy ex, and his undying devotion to the child he only sees every other weekend and occasionally on Wednesday nights. His mom still pays his phone bill, because he won’t talk to her unless she does. And she usually watches his child for him on the weekends because he’s still a child himself. These half-ass soccer dads are great if you’re looking for self degradation and chronic boredom. Or if you really want to raise another man and his child. I did the mini van gig for a while. I left that life behind for a reason. It was suffocating. The sex was lousy. He won’t make you cum. He will only make you fat. He is an overgrown man child. And I am already raising two kids by myself, thank you very much. Besides, I am not a typical PTA mom by any means.

The other guy you will find in my age bracket is the independent man whore. This guy will say all the right things, but pay close attention to his actions, as they will tell a much different story. This guy knows women, and if you’re a basic bitch, he will manipulate the fuck out of you. He just wants to fuck, in spite of what he’s told you. You probably met this one online too. He will put zero effort into anything besides getting into your pants. The sex will be good, but it will lack emotion. This guy is an alpha male, he is not capable of emotional pleasure. He won’t offer to buy you coffee, or drinks. A meal is out of the question. He dates a lot. He could never afford to spend money on every woman that he sees. He will make you feel special with his charm. But his actions will leave you feeling devalued. You will be a good time, a pretty new play thing. And just like the many girls before you, another one will catch his attention as soon as he is bored with you. These alpha males can lay some top shelf dick, but they have no stability to offer. So the dick is often temporary, and is always attached to a man without emotions. These guys have a constant rotation of pussy. One drops out, there are three more waiting, that he’s been bread- crumbing along. He knows exactly what to say and how to say it. Every word spoken with the intention of getting into your pants. And every other pair that comes across his path.

I can smell good sex from a mile away. There is something in the way a man will carry himself, a look in his eye. There’s something primal about this type of man that reels me in every time. I have a thing for alphas. But this type of man is good for two things only. Fucking your brains out, and scaring you back into the arms of a soccer dad with ugly shoes.

Is it possible to find a man who can offer stability and good sex? Perhaps my time would be better spent hunting down unicorns, because they are less rare than a sexy, independent man with stability.

I need to feel desired on a spiritual level. I need to have those butterflies right out of the gate, or they will never come. I need a man to interrupt my life, to penetrate my walls, to wake me up from this nightmare of Monster drinking idiots that keep parading through my bed. But the only men who I could ever really fall for are the men who know how to treat a woman. And the only men who know how to treat a woman are the men who treat a lot of women. And so you can see why I’m single.

This Tinder rampage is driving me insane, but like a wild mustang who submits to the saddle after running and kicking herself into exhaustion… I am hoping to tame myself through this experience of running wild. I want to want stability. I want to break myself into submission. I want to free myself from this rut of indecision. I didn’t want to choose, but I am learning now that choosing is the only way forward. And the only way to make the right choice is to break myself of making the wrong choices. So buckle up heart, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Launch Day Lemonade

Today is a big day. My team is finally launching our music festival. This birthing process has been a dramatic one, but the labor pains were worth it. We’re about to bring something new into the world, that hadn’t been there before. This is the largest creation I’ve ever been a part of. This is my first real attempt at manifestation.

It’s amazing how easily this thing is coming together. Especially considering that we literally just sit in a garage every Tuesday, get high, and make decisions. I don’t expect to make any money from this until year three, but I would do it for free anyway. There is a magic in creating, that can’t be accessed in any other way. I feel sorry for the people who go through life, never collecting the joy of creation. It’s very powerful.

This festival was born from my desperate need to forgive myself for making a mistake that nearly drove me insane. Moving to this town was the most destructive thing I’ve ever put my children through. The guilt of dragging my girls through that experience still haunts me, and probably always will. But moving to this town has also been the greatest thing that has ever happened to us. I wouldn’t be who I am today, had I not made that terrible mistake. This festival and every other beautiful diamond that I’ve mined from this town, has healed me. This festival is my life’s lemonade.

I am living my dream, and I am aware of just how rare that is. I carry buckets of gratitude, everywhere I go. And all of this happened because I fell in love with the wrong guy. I’m not sure this world could even handle me if ever I were to stumble upon the right guy.

And that’s the beauty of being the most careful and cautious girl in the world, and still getting destroyed. I survived it. I grew because of it. I dropped the fear of failure. I stopped thinking. I began to live life as one graceful free fall after another. I am brave, because any other way of being is a complete waste of my time. And now I understand that I cannot fail. I’m taking bigger chances and bigger things are happening because of it. I wish everyone lived this way. The world would be a better place if they did.

So today, I’m going to share a toast with my daughters. Three wine glasses full of freshly squeezed lemonade, and three girls who have learned how to move the dial from survivor to creator. Cheers to that!